John's Journey

guilt

2005-01-19T20:34:00.000-06:00

Yes, "guilt". What other title can I give to a post that addresses the fact that I have written nothing here in six weeks or more?

I think I've mentioned early-on that this not my first attempt at a lifestyle-oriented weblog. The couple that preceeded this one (by something like two or three years) were very short-lived. When I began this one I made a promise to myself that I would do my very best not to go that route again.

In spite of that, I feel that I've stumbled. Stumbled, but not fallen.

The time that has passed since my last post here has been exceedingly busy. [explanation, not excuse] I won't bore you with details, but most of it was work-related. That situation has finally normalized a bit. I feel I can now shift focus from the immediacies of earning a living back to the things in life that make it worthwhile ...my beautiful devoted submissive, and the lifestyle we love so much.

There have been some interesting developments for us related to the lifestyle. You can read about some of those in her journal (yes, she at least has found time to write a little!), and I'll be talking about those things and some others here in coming days.

Anyway, I'm back. And it feels good to be back.

notes to neophytes - part 2

2004-11-30T21:59:00.001-06:00

My beloved L wrote in her weblog this evening about the mentoring relationship that we're forming with the couple I spoke of in my last post here. I did not know she was planning to do this, but it pleased me to read that we're seeing things so similarly.

One thing she mentioned was that we have given them links to several of our favorite "lifestyle-themed" weblogs. I remember our conversation with them over coffee about this. I knew that they'd already spent a good deal of time scouring several of the better "educational" BDSM web sites, and how found them interesting and informative ...but rather textbookish. I told them that it was really only this year that I'd discovered how very much there was to be learned by reading about the day to day experiences of others (couples in particular, for me) as they worked at living this lifestyle day to day. So to all of you out there who take the time to write from your life and from your heart, please know that you not only entertain, enlighten, and inspire those of us who are already involved... you're providing an invaluable form of education for those who are still in the investigative stage.

With that, here's another excerpt from a recent email, this one written by L in response to questions they had asked of her.

[L], were you in pain when you cried out?

absolutely. but not in the way of, say, stepping on a rock in bare feet, or stubbing you little toe on the wall, or smashing your finger in a door. all of that kind of pain is just pain, and it hurts me just as much as it hurts someone not in the lifestyle. the pain i receive, hell, the pain i CRAVE in a scene, is totally different. yes, it hurts, but i want it to hurt, because it enhances the pleasure. the way my body reacts is at a higher level of intensity than normal, and i love it. and the endorphins are such a wonderful reaction; it’s absolutely a natural high. and when i cry out, it’s because the pain is very intense, and i’m close to the point where i can’t imagine one more sting, but that’s when John stops a moment to let me get my breath, because he knows.

i am a sensation junkie; if it feels good, i want to do it all the time.

Were you nervous or anxious before you got restrained, knowing it was coming?

yep, but that’s all part of the turn-on, part of what makes the intensity so high, and part of why i do it.

Were you embarrassed to do that in front of others---and why or why not?

no, not embarrassed, because these people are the most accepting, tolerant people i have ever met, and it helps me accept myself when i don’t see or hear people reacting to my kink in a negative way. i still have moments where i’ll do something in a scene, and afterward i can’t quite believe i did it, but i’m no longer embarrassed by it. it just gives me more to think about, and more about me to discover.

What do you feel toward John that allows you to do that?

total trust, and total love, and unconditional love from him.

How do you put your will aside and be willing to be the submissive?

oy. that’s difficult to answer, but the short answer is, because i need and want to. and it is because of the trust and love we share, that makes me comfortable enough to be able to put my will aside. i have not always been that submissive, and i know that i will be more submissive in the future, because it is a journey, both with John, and within my self. we exchange power; i don’t give it up completely, i always have the option to safeword and stop the scene if i need to for some reason. so far, i’ve only safeworded once, and that was only to a pause, not a stop in the scene, because John and I have gotten really good at our nonverbal communication during a scene, and he’s really learned to read the signs my body gives when i can’t speak very well. and when i’m in subspace, verbal communication is pretty difficult, because i am, in fact, in an altered state. and it’s a very happy place.

Is it erotically driven or something else that is more cognitive?

both. conscious, unconscious, erotic, non-erotic; all of it.

notes to neophytes - part 1

2004-11-29T22:31:00.000-06:00

Lately L and I have been talking with a charming, intelligent couple who are sincerely interested in the lifestyle, in exploring to see if it may be right for them. We try to offer them honest, cadid information about how we found BDSM, how we live the lifestyle, how it works for us. At the same time we try to emphasize that we don't have cut-and-dried answers, that much of what they want to know can only be answered by them.

Still, I'm new to this kind of what I suppose could be called a mentoring relationship. Below is an excerpt from an email I sent recently in which I responded to several specific questions. I'm posting this in part on the outside chance that someone new to the lifestyle might stop to read and perhaps find some value therein, but in particular in hopes that those with greater depth in the lifestyle than I possess may take a look and warn me if I'm giving someone bad advice.

"Is it possible that [we] are not cut out for this life style if I am not a masochist and he is not a sadist? What if punishment and accountability is all that I am interested in? Do we fit within those labels---since we are interested in experimenting?"

Short answer: yes. More realistic answer: maybe, but I doubt it. As [L] said,

"because of all the time and interest you’ve shown, i don’t think it’s very likely"

The level of your interest, the level of your commitment to your inquiry, etc., all make me think that you'll eventually find your "niche". One thing I think you're seeing is that not everyone lives this lifestyle in the same manner.

Labels in general are highly over-rated, and particularly so in this lifestyle. There IS no universal lexicon. There are no definitions of the relevant labels which are "canon". The only definitions which truly matter are the operational definitions worked out by each couple, by and for themselves. Being able to introduce yourself to a group as a dominant or a submissive gives them a very general idea of your orientation, which is plenty. In YOUR relationship, you are free to choose, use, and define whatever labels/titles/terms YOU wish, for YOU.

Back in the days when I was first making the transition from "online BDSM" to the realworld thing, and was having my first opportunities to play, I did some wondering about myself. I knew from the *very* fist time I saw a couple play that this was something I wanted *very* much to do.

When I began to get to play on occasion... well, I *really* liked it! I enjoyed having virtually complete control of a play partner's body: pain and pleasure both mine to give or withhold. I enjoyed being found worthy of sufficient trust by the submissive to enable the surrender of that degree of control. I particularly revelled in a sense of hyper-focus, tunnel vision of a sort that I experienced when playing. Early on it was not unusual for me to play with "an audience" of a dozen or more people. But once the scene began, it was as if the size of the entire universe suddenly shrank to encompass nothing more than me and the one with whom I was playing.

In spite of the amount of pleasure I found in playing, there was something I wondered about a lot. Some of the dominants with whom I was becoming acquainted had related to me that they found play to be quite arousing ...sexually. This was not the case for me.

I wondered if maybe I was just overly focused upon my technique, or just still a little nervous about the whole thing. But I also wondered if perhaps this meant I was "not sadistic enough". And if that was true, did it mean that I really didn't belong in this lifestyle as a dominant.

I'm very happy now that I didn't become too worried, too paranoid about this possibility back then. As time passed, I did become more at ease, more confident in my skills when playing and this led me to a more "physical" enjoyment of the experience. It's still not always a distinct physical turn-on for me (in anything like the sense that play is for [L]), and it very seldom is when I'm playing in public at a party. I can honestly say, however, that during the time that [L] and I have been together, I've gone from really liking to play to absolutely loving it!

So, please, don't worry about any kind of external labels. Do continue to experiment. Read about new things. Watch new things whenever you have the chance. TRY new things. Find the things that work for you and enjoy them to the fullest.

And do not worry about reluctance to launch into S&M-type play at this point. There's a lot more to this lifestyle than flogging and bondage. As [L] wrote:

"if punishment and accountability ARE all you’re interested in, so be it. if that’s what works best for you both, and it satisfies the needs you’re looking to fulfill, then it’s good. and it’s okay. and it doesn’t mean you’re any less 'in the lifestyle' than those of us who do want the pain with the pleasure and the dominance with the submission"

The only way you're going to know what's right for you as a couple is to continue on your quest for knowledge... and never, ever stop. I think it was Woody Allen who said that a relationship is like a shark ...if it stops moving forward it dies. For right now, find the things that appeal to you most and begin working on incorporating them as frequently as possible into your life. BUT... recognize that you're not static, as a couple or as individuals. The list of things that "work" for you in your relationship is most likely going to be significantly longer two years from now than it will be six months from now. Expect that as you learn and as you experience, you are going to grow. Which again, is a very good thing.

trying it out

2004-11-29T21:04:00.000-06:00

In an interesting post today on Randomness, B wrote about dominants testing new toys on themselves. This reminded me of something I'd found on my computer not too long ago, the text of something I had written in an early and very short-lived attempt at blogging about two and a half years ago. Here's an excerpt:

[T]here is [an] aspect [of the lifestyle] which, although it doesn't quite carry the weight of universal dogma, IS regarded by many as something of a prerequisite. This issue is phrased in a variety of ways. "You can't take a sub there if you haven't been there yourself." "The best dominants started out as submissives." "A dominant should know what a toy feels like before ever using it on a sub."

The proponents of this prerequisite make the argument that this sort of thing provides a dominant with insight that can be gained no other way. Yet I question that. Among submissives, different things *feel* differently to different people. What is pleasureable to one is excruciating to another, and may be a hard limit to someone else. It can be suggested that the knowledge of what a flogger feels like to Dom "A" may even give that dominant a false sense of security. Differences in personal tastes, pain thresholds and neurological processing (among other factors) determine how the force of an impact will be interpreted, felt. If Dom "A" has been on the receiving end of a particular cat o' nine, he does know how it feels...TO HIM -- but not necessarily how it feels to submissive "B". Losing sight of that, projecting his own expectations onto sub "B," could very well result in a hasty end to a scene. Or, for that matter, should Dom "A" have a much lower tolerance for pain (which contrary to the belief of some, is *not* a character flaw), he may be so light in his touch that the play experience does not fulfill the desires and needs of sub "B".

So, if the insight into how it feels is not a reliable resource for dominants, what else might they gain from the experience? If Dom "A" is just not *wired* to enjoy pain, if Dom "A" has no desire to submit, or even to bottom, then the experience is reduced to not much more than just proving that he or she can endure some pain in return for the respect of those in the lifestyle who are convinced that it's necessary.

My views have changed since then, though I still think there's some validity in what I tried to say there. A few months after writing this, I tried bottoming to a Domme friend to see what I could learn from such experiences. What I learned mostly was that I could tolerate a fair amount of pain if I convinced myself that I "had to," but that there was no enjoyment for me in either the pain or the restraint.

These days I never use a new toy (purchased or handmade) on someone else without trying it on myself first with a fair amount of impact... mainly trying to guage the nature of the sensation (thuddy versus stingy, etc.). I've not tried B's method of evaluation, i.e., taking a few swats with the item in question from C, but I'm thinking that this would not be a bad idea ...especially with toys of a new type. By means of a healthy amount of feedback from L, I believe I've gained a decent working understanding of how things feel to her, such that I can guess pretty well what new editions of toys we use a lot (e.g., floggers) will deliver. But the next time we expand our arsenal of implements of destruction with something altogether new, I think I'll have to give the B Technique a try.

I'm still fairly convinced that it's possible to be too confident one knows what something feels like when applying it to a new play partner. If I'm going to make a mistake re intensity, I'd want it to be too little rather than too much, so I'll always hope to err on the side of safety.

punishment: signal vs noise

2004-11-16T21:17:00.000-06:00

I have three or four partially finished blog posts currently beginning to collect dust in various odd corners of my mind. I had resolved that this evening I was going to complete one of those and publish it here before any more time passed since my last writing. Before doing that I opened my beloved L's weblog to read her latest entry. I knew she'd written last night while I was occupied with another project, but by the end of the evening we were both so tired that I'd neglected to ask about her post.

I was a little surprised, but certainly pleased, to discover that she'd blogged about punishment, giving a fair accounting of a couple of our recent conversations on the subject plus some additional thinking she'd done since we last talked about it. Reading our essential consensus expressed in her words made me feel that it would be worth taking the time to do the same. So, the other works-in-progress will have to languish for at least another day while I now indulge myself with this.

I'm aware that some of the things we do (and don't do), some of the attitudes we thankfully share, may make us seem a bit different from the BDSM community as a whole ...or at least from the blogging BDSM community. But as I talked about in my last post, I'm now more than ever dedicated to the proposition that we must be true to what's right and good and appropriate for us, and not worry about how we may compare to other couples. It's not that we're trying to create some sort of "kinder, gentler" D/s relationship. We'll be the first to tell you that ours is absolutely not THE way, but it's the way for US, at where we are now in the journey. One of the areas in which I sense we may differ from "the norm" is in our approach to punishment.

L asked me a few days ago about my thoughts on punishment and I began by saying that I definitely believed punishment had a place in a real D/s relationship. A truly loving dominant simply must care enough to punish when punishment is deserved. It's the why and the how that are subject to individuals' interpretation.

To me, punishment and discipline are two very different things. In my mind discipline is about the bringing of a sense of order and focus and purpose to a submissive's life by the efforts of the dominant. Punishment, on the other hand, is more about creating an aversion within the submissive to repeating improper behaviors (sins of omission as well as commission). The techniques used to achieve that must be appropriate for both dom and sub.

I told L that I've long had the feeling that using "corporal punishment" for a submissive with a strong masochistic streak would serve to implant mixed messages, even if not on a conscious level. She receives pain when she's good... when she's bad she receives more/different pain. While I have no doubt that I could create physical punishments that she could never confuse with play consciously, it's the subtle potential longterm less-than-conscious effect that causes me concern. To be fair, I do see where an argument could be made that both types of pain are an expression of love ...just as loving parents (such as mine) often physically punish errant children... but that gets into a whole other minefield beyond the scope of what I want to address here.

Mainly I worry that, for us at least, there's a real potential concern for the signal getting lost in the noise when it comes to physical punishment.

But if not physical punishment, then what? Again, that has to be unique to each couple and likely to each situation. Dominants as a rule are magnificently imaginative creatures, and I can readily conceive of a variety of things I could use. Occasionally, I'll arch an eyebrow and playfully remind her that, "bad girls DON'T get spanked," but I suspect it would be difficult for me to withhold play as a means of punishment... just as I would not want to withhold affection. It just tastes wrong to me.

What would be the ultimate punishment in our relationship? I think I know.

I am unimaginably blessed by the type of relationship that L and I share. We are passionate lovers. We are best friends. We share a vast array of interests, tastes, likes and dislikes. We communicate exceedingly well, and there is a bedrock-solid foundation of mutual respect and trust. The most painful thing I could do to her would be to violate that respect, break that trust. I pray that I never would, never could do that because it would be betraying us both. Short of that, though, about the most painful thing I can imagine for her would be to know that she had truly disappointed me. And from what she's said, I believe L agrees. She wrote: "...the punishment my own head would bring in the form of mental self-flagellation would be far far worse than anything...."

The realization that wrongfully displeasing/disappointing me would bring such anguish to her seems the best possible type of "behavior modification" ...the type that works to prevent improper words and actions, rather than punishing them after they occur. And it occurs to me that prevention may be the most effective solution to the "signal-to-noise ratio" problem.

what's right, right now

2004-11-09T23:41:00.000-06:00

To say that there's been a plethora of thought-provoking writing showing up on BDSM-lifestyle-oriented weblogs of late would risk being an understatement. Even a list of the articles and their authors that have seriously caught my attention recently would make this a long post. There have been many issues I've been caused to contemplate at length. There have been many topics I've wanted to write about... not because I felt my thoughts thereon were particularly profound, but mostly because writing helps me to clarify, to crystallize my own thinking.

One of the most important (to me) things to come out of all this recent reflection is an even deeper appreciation for the fact that there's no ONE TRUE WAY to live this lifestyle.

Within the last week or so I've read accounts of things done and things said that seemed simply wrong to me, things that evoked very strong negative reactions in me despite the fact that I try to pride myself on being tolerant and accepting. Thankfully, I withheld comment initially. It was soon easy for me to see strong parallels between what I was feeling and what my beloved L recently described in a post on her blog. I'm thankful now that I refrained from commenting on some of these things initially. After allowing myself a few days to digest it all, and frequently to read commentary from both parties in many instances, I once again see with clarity that there are *things* which are not wrong, not malum en se, simply because they are not right for L and me (at least not right now).

In the early months of our relationship, L and I talked a fair amount about how the various labels (e.g., top/dominant/master, bottom/submissive/slave, etc.) applied to us and would be defined by us. In a recent post Patrick effectively summarized the gist of our mutual opinion when he wrote:

If you spank or whip someone, or tie them up and do whatever kink comes to mind, that doesn't make you a dominant, but a top. If you have these things done to you, that doesn't make you a submissive, but instead a bottom. There's nothing wrong with being a top or a bottom, by any means, but dominance and submission extends beyond the kinky stuff and out into life. Topping and bottoming is about kink and play only. Dominance and submission is about the exchange of personal power within peoples' lives.

When I first met L, she was a self-described bottom. I believed very early on that I saw within her a true submissive, and in the weeks and months that have followed she's come to realize much more of her real self. As I began my active involvement in the lifestyle, I discovered immediately that I enjoyed topping, but always felt that the greater fulfillment for me lay in the exercise of dominance beyond the time spent playing. During our time together I've surprised myself a bit by how much more pleasure I now take from play. What has especially enriched my life, however, is the exercise (sometimes subtle, sometimes less-than-subtle) of dominance in our life outside of play.

My definition of myself is not related to either the toys that I can proficiently use on L, or to the names I call her. Her definition of herself arises from neither what tools she likes to be hit with, nor what she wants to be called. Our perceptions of ourselves individually, and each of the other, are based upon what feels right to us. Pretty damned subjective, yes. External observers might declare that we have it all wrong, but we don't live our life for anyone other than us.

There are things we don't do and don't say which seem to be active components of the interpersonal dynamics of other D/s couples. One day they may be for us, but not right now. A minor example: I don't call L my "slut" or my "whore," even in play. I know both of us well enough that it would not sound or feel right to either of us. But, what can I say... it definitely works for other couples, in what is the proper context for them.

I wonder, though, about couples who are just beginning to explore, who are experimenting to see what if any elements of this lifestyle will be natural and enriching to their relationship. When these people read about exchanges of this sort in the writings of obviously intelligent and experienced D/s couples, will they assume that calling one's partner a slut is an integral part of "being dominant"?? Certainly some will find that it intensifies things, takes them to a new level, etc. On the other hand, for some who go rushing down that road without sufficient communication in advance it may well be hurtful (if not harmful).

Please understand that I mean in no way to condemn what does work for others. What I'm trying to say is that I hope everyone will give thought to doing as L and I are doing. By that I don't mean emulating our style of play or manner of speaking. What I do mean is that we are trying to find ONLY what is the "one true way" for us. We do this with a whole lot of (not always easy, but honest) communication and a mutual willingness to grow and to learn new things about ourselves. And we do this upon a foundation of mutual respect and trust that is built up, layer upon layer, as we live each new day together.

What's right for us right now changes. We play in ways now that we didn't a few months ago. There are lots of times when L now finds sincere pleasure in calling me "Master," when not too terribly long ago "Sir" was a major struggle. We've expanded our horizons sexually as well. She thoroughly enjoys things now which even one month ago made her virtually shudder to think of. [Note: I'll probably be discussing some of that as soon as I'm not afraid of causing her death by some sort of blushing-induced aneurysm!] We live. We love. We learn. We grow. Sometimes it seems there's a step back with every two or three steps forward, but from where we are on the journey right now the future looks very bright.

Well, it's getting late. Work comes too early tomorrow, and I'm resigning myself to the fact that this post is "typical John" ...rather long, and rather rambling. I haven't written here in a few days in large part because there were just so many different things on my mind. I'm hoping that in the next few days more of them will find their way out of the quagmire of my mind and onto this weblog. If you've lasted this long, thanks for your perseverance.

the hardcore and the gentle

2004-11-04T01:20:00.000-06:00

It's late, after midnight. I'm up, trying to catch up on my reading of the various weblogs I've come to enjoy so much. L has been sound asleep for a couple of hours, in no small part due to a John-induced orgasm overload. It's a cold, rainy night, but our home's old radiators warm my old bones as I savor one last glass of Chilean Cabernet Sauvignon.

It's a night of pseudo-plagiarism, or at least of writing *inspired* by the writing of others. First it was the recipe post, now this.

On Monday, in a post titled "thoughts on gardening," cee shared the lyrics from Bjork's "Unison".

The mere mention of Bjork conjures up for me the memory of the early days in my relationship with L. Back when she was still in the process of becoming mine, I stumbled across the lyrics to Bjork's song, "Big Time Sensuality" and shared them with her. I share them again now, with you. The words were very appropriate for us at the time, and the phrase "the hardcore and the gentle" is very much about our life as we live it now day to day. The phrase, "it takes courage to enjoy it," could be considered a terse compliment to all of us in the lifestyle.

Without further preface:

Big Time Sensuality

i can sense it
something important
is about to happen
it's coming up

it takes courage to enjoy it
the hardcore and the gentle
big time sensuality

we just met
and i know i'm a bit too intimate
but something is coming up
and we're both included

it takes courage to enjoy it
the hardcore and the gentle
big time sensuality

i don't know my future after this weekend
and i don't want to

it takes courage to enjoy it
the hardcore and the gentle
big time sensuality

the best revenge

2004-11-03T23:18:00.000-06:00

I've heard it said that "living well is the best revenge." Perhaps, but surely an important part of living well is eating well.

Yes, I know this is ~off topic~ for a blog of this nature, but sometimes one simply must break the rules. And, besides, danae is the one who sent me off on this tangent with her post yesterday of the recipe for a very delicious sounding low-fat New York style cheesecake.

I love to cook. Ask L. I have even earned a living doing this for a few years not too terribly long ago. Anytime I see someone share a recipe, I feel compelled to do so. Therefore, below you will find a recipe for my most favorite desert in the whole world. It is, however, definitely NOT low-fat. Nor is it low-calorie. Not low-anything that I can think of. But it IS almost as good as sex. Well, almost as good as sex with anyone other than L.

After this abberation, I'll return to the regular programming here....

CHOCOLATE SURFEIT
(serves 12, or so ...probably less, if they love chocolate!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The inspiration for this dish was Jeff Smith's, "Chocolate Elephant" (see: _The_Frugal_Gourmet_Cooks_American_). I made that, following his recipe, for the first time about 20 years ago. During the time since, I've experimented with a lot of different variations on the theme. What you see here is probably my favorite version.

I've never given it a name previously... just said it was "like the Frugal Gourmet's Chocolate Elephant, only better." I settled on Chocolate "Surfeit" because of all the connotations that word has: excess, overabundance, intemperate indulgence, etc.

Smith wrote this about his recipe:
"This is expensive, very rich, terribly fattening, and it is not good for you. It is also disgustingly delicious. It has all the right attributes for the serious chocolate lover."

If you're anything like me, Chocolate Surfeit is all that and more.

Ingredients (main)
------------------
12 large eggs
1 teaspoon [real] vanilla extract
8 oz. unsalted butter
1/4 cup amaretto liqueur
1/4 cup creme de cacao (or other chocolate-flavored liqueur)
16 oz. "German Sweet Chocolate" [NO substitutions]
6 tablespoons granulated sugar
2 tablespoons unflavored gelatin
1/2 cup cold water
1 cup heavy cream
3 oz. slivered almonds
4 oz. "mini" semi-sweet chocolate chips

Ingredients (topping) [optional]
--------------------------------
1 cup heavy cream
cocoa powder [a good brand]
confectioner's sugar

Directions
----------

Set the butter out to soften at room temperature. When it's pliable, you're ready to begin.

Spread the slivered almonds evenly on a baking sheet and place in a 375(F) degree oven until toasted to a light brown. They'll smell wonderful, but avoid the temptation to eat them. Set aside to cool.

Separate the eggs. Beat the yolks with the vanilla and butter. When thoroughly blended, add the amaretto and chocolate liqueurs. Whip the heavy cream, gradually adding 2 tablespoons of the granulated sugar.

Melt the German Sweet Chocolate slooowly in a double boiler. Soften the gelatin in the water, then heat and stir until completely dissolved as the last of the chocolate is melting. Remove the chocolate from heat and stir in the gelatin/water mixture. Then allow to cool just a bit while you work on the egg whites.

Beat the egg whites with the remaining granulated sugar to stiff peaks. Blend the chocolate with the butter/yolk mixture, adding the chocolate to the yolks A TINY BIT AT A TIME (too fast and you'll "scramble" the yolks).

Spoon the whipped cream and the beaten egg whites into a very large mixing bowl. Toss in the toasted almonds and the chocolate chips. Finally, GENTLY fold the chocolate mixture into the other ingredients in the bowl. Don't worry about getting it perfectly homogenized, you'll deflate the whipped cream and beaten egg whites with too much mixing.

Refrigerate immediately!! You're using raw eggs here so be appropriately cautious. This should keep fine in the fridge for a couple of days. There's not much of a chance there will be any left after that amount of time anyway.

Topping [optional]:
I like to serve this in a dessert dish topped by a nice dollop of whipped cream which has been very lightly dusted with cocoa powder first and then a little more generously with confectioners sugar.

relativity and the rearview

2004-11-01T11:57:00.000-06:00

My beloved L recently wrote in her weblog about the mixed feelings that she often has when reading the journals of others.

it doesn’t seem to matter whether dominant or submissive has written, but that i walk away feeling, well, mixed. whether a real-life account of a scene, or just musing, or a fantasy written out, i can never seem to just accept it and enjoy it.
[ . . . . ]
the truth is, there are simply tons of things that other couples in the lifestyle do or say or partake in, for which i am just not ready. and some things for which i will never be ready.
but what i don’t get is why it affects me so much to read about those things.
[ . . . . ]
i think the difficulty for me is that i start to identify with the ppl in the story, especially the love-based ones, and i think the story is headed for a familiar place, and it does go there, but then it takes what feels like 100 steps beyond what’s familiar, and all of a sudden i’m freaked.
i know that my limits will change; hell, they’ve changed already [...] but there are so many things within submission that i don’t want. there are terms doms and subs alike use in their descriptions of activities, or of themselves, that i don’t like, don’t agree with, or just plain don’t understand.

L and I have talked about these reactions in the past, and we talked about her most recent post. What I'm going to say here is in part a reinteration of things I've said before.

First, I'll admit that I don't have all the answers by any means. I have not been able to find a nice tidy little remedy for this difficulty, no words of wisdom that have been able to dissolve this hurdle for her. What I have tried to tell her is that the only prescription for this is the same one we've used to get where we are now in all aspects of our D/s relationship: a combination of communication, trust and time.

It's my belief that even the most profoundly submissive partner is going to be subject to resistance some of the time. The stretching of limits, the pushing of boundaries that's necessary for growth by definition takes one into unfamiliar, uncharted and typically (initially) uncomfortable territory. The size of the "known world" has increased tremendously for L during our time together, in terms of her sexuality and her submission. The magnitude of these changes have pleased me greatly, and regularly astonish her when she pauses to reflect upon them.

And though I don't think she's ever felt that I was pushing her too far, too fast, I wonder if perhaps subconsciously there's a sense of, "Geez, let me catch my breath for a minute!"

I know that some of the words and some of the activities which elicit negative feelings for her are emotional triggers for painful memories. In other instances, it's a matter of perceiving things that are so outside the realm of her experience thus far as to be totally alien. What I would love to give her is a sense of "relativity" in her perspective. Without a doubt, she has vanilla friends who, if confronted with many of the things WE do, would find various of those things offensive, disgusting, degrading, or at the very least perverse. Yet these are things that we enjoy, things that work for us. L knows without question that I respect her, and she would be the first to tell those vanilla voyeurs that she never feels degraded or the object of disrespect.

It's the same with other couples, other dominants and submissives. Not everyone is going to like the same things. Not everyone is going to play with the same levels of intensity. But these preferences are not necessarily static. I know that L thoroughly enjoys some things now that only a few months ago she found quite repellant. I want her to know that I'm going to exercise the very best judgment of which I'm capable in living up to my responsibility to help her become all that she can be as a woman and as a submissive. I intend to do that with love, with nurturing, with encouragement, with discipline, and with the occasional nudge onto unfamiliar turf. I want to broaden her knowledge, her experience, and her thinking. In the process, we're going to discover that some things just aren't for us, but that won't be based on preconceived notions. [Note: There are some things which we've always agreed are HARD limits for us both such as children, animals, and scat.]

In comment to L's post, danae made some good observations:

[Y]ou have said the magic words in your post. John respects you.
With mutual respect in the relationship - you can't have distrespect even in degrading or humilating acts during your play. The respect he has for you is that that is why he can do that and why you can enjoy it.
When you read a person's post that seems like they don't have self-respect, look at other posts or other things within in the post. Do they seem happy, fulfilled or sad, unhappy?
If they are happy, then how does a person have no self-respect. I feel if a person does not have self-respect then they probably are not happy and don't know how to even feel that emotion.

I love L exactly as she is, I cherish her for all that she's become, and the vast potential that I see still within her gives me joy beyond measure. She has grown SO much in her submission during the time we've been together, and I am confident that she'll continue to do so. The rapid pace of this development has not been the result of extraordinary efforts on my part. It's been merely because I was able to ultimately show her, allow her to feel, each step of the way that she was ready for that next step ...that she actually could do it.

Sometimes maybe she looks over her shoulder, she glances in the rearview mirror so to speak, and seeing how far she's come finds it a little daunting. Maybe more than a little. Though to an external observer the increments might seem modest, she has redefined her comfort zone again and again and again during the last few months. Six months of awakening and discovery, however, do not erase a lifetime of inculcation about what's nice and proper and appropriate and respectful.

We both will continue to learn and to grow, and we will do it together. You're not going to lose yourself in your submission, sweetheart. You're going to become more yourself. You often tell me that you belong to me, and it's true. You are my most precious possession, the most priceless treasure in the world.

roots and essence

2004-10-29T23:17:00.000-05:00

Last Saturday evening as our local BDSM group's gathering for coffee and conversation ended, a few of us hung around for a while. We were discussing munch, meeting and play-party etiquette in general. Eventually the talk turned to protocol. Reference was made to "Old Guard" traditions and attitudes. Our consensus was that for our group at least, protocol should be more a matter of what was deemed appropriate by any given D/s couple by them for them, rather than standards of speech and behavior to which the group would expect adherence from everyone. We do have certain written rules by which prospective members (and annually, existing members) agree to abide. They're essentially just common-sense good social behavior, respect for confidentiality, etc.

Anyway, the comments about Old Guard ways seemed to be based on a general mutual understanding that there was a time in the history of our lifestyle when a certain formality played more of a role than it does now. As the evening grew later, L and I left the coffeehouse to go out for pizza with another couple from the group and our dinner conversation was pretty vanilla.

Once we arrived home, however, L asked me to tell her what "Old Guard" meant. This surprised me a bit. Her exposure to the lifestyle predates mine by a few years, but it was a name with which she was not familiar. As I began to try to explain I realized that I was not being particularly articulate, so I located some articles by Jack Rinella, Jay Wiseman and Guy Baldwin that I'd saved on my computer. I skimmed through those quickly and read enough to her from them that she felt she had a basic understanding.

Since that evening, though, I've found myself thinking often about the history of what we now call BDSM, and about the relative importance of that history. I've long thought of the D/s lifestyle as a singularly personal thing, and believed that the fact that there is no single universally accepted way to do it right is largely a blessing.

Fifty years ago the "forefathers" of our lifestyle were small, very private, strict, and highly structured groups of gay men. Membership was typically achieved through a long process of training, discipline, and sponsorship. Obviously old ways of doing things are not necessarily superior, just as new ways are not better just because they're new. Was the Old Guard way nothing more than one solution for a specific group of people living in a particular time and place? Have we lost something important as the lifestyle community has become more visible, (relatively) more mainstream, and more sexually/socially diverse?

As the week wore on, though, a phrase that I encountered in the articles I mentioned above kept coming to mind. Back in what's typically thought of as the heyday of the Old Guard, those-things-that-we-do were not called "BDSM". Apparently they didn't even use "S&M" very often. "Rough sex" is the descriptive phrase that I've seen pop up again and again.

Another question I've been mentally pursuing this week is: what is the true essence of BDSM? Is it even possible to sufficiently generalize enough to so distill it? Is it "rough sex"? Is it those old-fashioned values of discipline, obedience, integrity and honor? Or is it something else?

At this point I'm far from an answer that will satisfy me (much less one that I'd advocate to someone else). Still, I believe these are things worthy of consideration and I doubt that I'll have them out of my head anytime soon. So, be forewarned. These quasi-amorphous topics will probably be showing up again here in coming days. If you'd like to comment, point me toward some essay that you think is especially illuminating, etc. please feel free to do so either here or by email.

catching up

2004-10-28T13:18:00.000-05:00

It has felt good to be working on this weblog once again, even if most of the work recently has been more about style and layout than content.

Looking back over what I've written here since I began the project, it seems that many (most) of my posts have been "topic-oriented," rather than talking about day-to-day life. I'm not sure why things have developed that way. Surely, the mundanities of everyday are not the best fodder for riveting narratives ...but there IS a great deal about daily life with L that I love, and enjoy sharing when there's an opportunity. So I'm thinking that perhaps a little deliberate change of pace here might be a good thing.

Saturday was wonderful. Neither of us had to work, so we savored a leisurely morning drinking coffee and talking. In the afternoon, I delivered on a promise I'd made a day or two before: we had an extremely nice, long play session. I used the occasion to use several new little things I'd purchased the weekend before on a trip to a tack store in another town as well as a newly acquired set of ankle cuffs. Mostly, though, the afternoon was devoted to working with L's favorite... my elkhide flogger.

Earlier in the week when telling her of my plan, I had assured her that I was going to "flog the hell out of her" (a quaint little phrase she often uses when speaking of what she likes to have done!). By the time I began the cooldown phase of the scene, L was very, very deep in subspace. I wrapped her in a blanket, then cuddled and caressed her for a long time, telling her how much I love her and what a source of joy and pride she is for me. Once she was able to speak English again, I asked her if she felt that she had indeed had the hell flogged out of her. She smiled broadly and whispered, "yes."

As is usually the case when we play at home, aftercare was very sensual, very erotic for the both of us. It almost always leads to a "sex session" of comparable duration to our play session, and Saturday was no exception. We had to hurry a bit later to get showered, dressed and ready to leave for a little get-together that our local BDSM group was having at a favorite coffeehouse.

It was nice seeing those friends and meeting a couple of prospective new members. It was even nicer to watch L throughout the entire evening. She absolutely glowed.

a little more housekeeping

2004-10-25T21:23:00.000-05:00

O.K., I think I have fixed the problem Bliatz pointed out to be some time ago related to font color vs. background color in my posts. Removing one rogue line of CSS seems to have done the trick. The page should look very much the same in both IE and Mozilla-esque browsers now (at least it does to me).

Other new things to see are new links to two weblogs written by male dominants: The Maelstrom and urbanstud. I've only relatively recently begun reading them both, but plan on making a habit of it. I've also updated my link to Neko's blog, Letters To An Angel. It now resides at its own domanin: www.letterstoanangel.com, and somehow manages to keep getting better and better.

The final item to announce is the addition of a new link in my "By Submissives" section. Though it's a very new journal, this one's rather special to me. It's written by my submissive, the love and light of my life. She's a gifted and insightful writer, as will become obvious to all who read as the project grows and develops I am certain. It's called Body of Work.

housekeeping

2004-10-23T13:22:00.000-05:00

I made a few minor changes here. One weblog that I had listed in my "By Submissives" section had been updated only once in nearly three months, so I reluctantly removed it.

Another change was something I should have done weeks ago. Bliatz pointed out to me that This Big Hush is a collaborative work and should be categorized as a "Group Blog".

Still another change will likely be coming here soon: a slight revamping of the color scheme. Bliatz remarked in a comment some time back, "Can't you do something about your template? Black on dark grey is virtually unreadable..." I had been fairly fond of the way the site looked to me, as viewed on my computer in IE6. Recently, though, I had occasion to open it in the latest version of Mozilla Firefox and saw a markedly different appearance. Readers (if there are any left) who have problems with this currently should see an improvement by the end of next week. (Hopefully sooner.)

kudos

2004-10-22T23:15:00.000-05:00

It's raining. I love rainy nights. Hmmm... puts me in mind of an old Eddie Rabbit song [oops! dating myself a bit there.]

I've spent some time this evening doing something I truly enjoy, reading some of my favorite lifestyle-themed weblogs, and wondering why I haven't been doing this more often.

A few years ago when I finally ventured beyond the bounds of "online" BDSM into the "real-world" lifestyle I was (for whatever reason) pleasantly surprised by the levels of intelligence, understanding, empathy and erudition among those I met and with whom I became associated. Perhaps unduely surprised, but happily nonetheless. That feeling is mirrored and perhaps even magnified toward the authors of the blogs I (try to) read regularly.

Kudos to you all: To those with whom I've interacted face-to-face who've helped me grow and become, and to those whose written words have served and continue to serve as a perpetual fount of stimulation, entertainment and inspiration for me.

a virtue

2004-10-06T18:58:00.000-05:00

A couple of months ago, I made my first try at writing a little about a Dominant's responsibilities. It was a relatively short and rather rambling article. I hope one day reasonably soon to return to that subject matter again, but for the moment I'm returning to a statement I made in that particular post.

In talking about helping a submissive overcome "resistance," I opined:

For the dominant it requires an inexhausible supply of patience, an acceptance of the fact that these things are going to happen, and an unflagging willingness to help her work through them.

I've had occasion to think about the value of patience recently as a result of a couple of discussions L and I have enjoyed.

I had been talking about some directions in which I anticipated her growth as a submissive would take her. There was a hint of misunderstanding as to whether these thoughts of mine were something along the lines of expectations, or "goals." In actuality it was more speculation than expectation on my part (at least in the sense of the connotation of "expectation" as something that would cause me disappointment if not lived-up-to).

As I endeavored to explain my thinking to her, I found myself particularly wanting to assure her that if/when these things happened, they would happen naturally and at their own pace. I wanted to be certain she understood that no matter the length of time involved (weeks, months, or years) I would not grow impatient because the things under discussion were things that would/could only happen on their own, rather than through any conscious effort by either or both of us.

As I thought more about this talk later, I reflected upon how very important patience can be for a Dom. I had earlier written about its value in handling frustration and maintaining self-control, but there's an aspect I had neglected in that post.

Patience on the part of a Dominant, i.e., real, tangible patience ...patience a submissive can truly see and feel... is one of the finest gifts a Dom can give. Being patient does not imply the fostering of a permissive environment in which whatever a submissive does is more-or-less O.K. Expectations and goals can surely be legitimate parts of a D/s relationship, and there are times when meeting them should be insisted upon. It is equally valid (IMHO) to say, however, that a submissive should know that sincerely and and diligently and consciencously doing his/her best IS enough.

A submissive who enjoys the safety-net of her Dominant's patience is probably going to be more willing to challenge the boundaries of her comfort zone, more willing to allow her Dom to stretch her limits, more willing to "push the envelope" in general, because she knows that the one who cares for her as no other does recognizes that she's human. He accepts that she's going to stumble from time to time, and will be there to help her to her feet again. He expects her best, but is satisfied with just exactly that ...even when "best" isn't perfection.

Perhaps I'm over-simplifying to call this sort of nurturing just "patience," but patience is surely an integral part of it. So in a world where the lines between vice and virtue are often blurred, here's one thing at least that should remain clearly in virtue's column.

a few words of recognition

2004-09-16T09:32:00.000-05:00

The past couple of weeks have held some difficult days for L and me. Family and friends are a very important part of her life, and recently some important members of both categories have moved quite some distance away. This has coincided with the early part of our cohabitation which, despite all the things we both love about living together now, has naturally added to her stress. We've both been making the accomodations in our individual lives inherent in sharing space with another and working on deepening the D/s aspect of our relationship. These things can create trying times in and of themselves. Add to them the additional stressors that L has been dealing with and there's plenty of potential for emotional turmoil.

Throughout all this, though, L has been amazing -- ever sweet, never self-absorbed, always loving and attentive. She's a very strong girl. Yes, there have been times when her anguish has been a bit more than she could handle alone. But it's been a wonderful thing to see the results of simply holding her, giving her some words of encouragement, and assuring her that I will always be here for her. Good therapy and the sort of thing that I thoroughly enjoy doing. It's a dominant's responsibility to be supportive of his submissive, but with L it never feels like a "duty." It is a labor of love.

One other little note of special meaning to me.

Our local group had its monthly gathering a few days ago. We were happy to attend this one after missing last month's due to being out of state. At one point in the evening, she noticed me looking at her and smiled broadly. I smiled back, then reached and touched the D-ring on the leather 'round her neck. "Nice collar," I said. "Thank you," she replied. "It belongs to my Master." It was the first time she'd used the "M-word" in reference to me in a public setting, and it is a moment I will never forget.

on the way back

2004-09-02T12:07:00.000-05:00

You may have noticed that after speculating here about a month ago about why weblogs by dominants seemed relatively rare, I seemed to have vanished. The reason(s) behind that disappearance may provide an enlightening clue for that earlier speculation.

To put it plainly, the lovely & talented L and I are now living together. This is a reflection of some very significant changes in the relationship that I'll need to talk about on another occasion. But, I can honestly say that cohabitation is proving to be wonderful for us. There's more time and opportunity for ALL the things we enjoy doing together: talking, cooking and sharing meals, watching movies (and some occasional mindless tv), playing, sex, etc., etc. Our life together is so full that there seems to be much less time available for what were once more solitary pleasures... in my case, for example, writing.

I suppose I should say that I've missed it terribly, but it's not been that bad. Still, I have thought about this project often in recent weeks and have experienced some longing to return to it when things were "more settled." Moving is still in progress, and I'm about to change ISPs, so there may not be regular entries here for a little while yet. I am, however, committed to this project... for my own benefit.

What does all this have to do with the rarity of blogs by Doms? Does it mean they've all moved in with thier submissives and are too busy flogging and f*cking to write?? Well, there may be some truth in that. In the past few weeks that's sort of been my story. There's something more substantial that I'm glimpsing, though.

As our D/s relationship has deepened ...as my role becomes more "Master" than simply "Dom" [[ as WE define those terms! ]]... the responsibility I feel for L naturally grows. As she gives more of herself to me, I recognize that with the acceptance of that surrender comes the duty to protect, comfort, nurture, encourage and stimulate. In order to bring my discipline into her life, I must be certain of my self-discipline.

Even in regard to simple play, for every hour that we actually do play I spend a significant amount of time beforehand contemplating the course I want the scene to take, and even more time afterward analyzing what happened, what didn't happen, what I could have done differently to make it better for both of us, etc.

So, no, it's not that writing time is all absorbed by physical activities (though they are pleasant, and we surely do devote a lot of time to them). A responsible dominant time is also taxed by the nonphysical, less tangible, mental activities inherent in his role... things like trying to ensure an environment that will foster the growth and development of his submissive, examining as best he can the path before them for potential obstacles, and making sure that she never doubts for one instant that she is cherished and treasured and loved.

Naturally, these opinions are strictly mine and are guaranteed to be worth no more than what you're paying for them here.

filling a void?

2004-08-02T08:20:00.000-05:00

Over the last couple of months, I've looked at a LOT of weblogs that have a D/s "theme." There are hundreds of them out there, scores of really excellent ones. The handfull which I try to read frequently are listed in the right hand column here. Certainly there are many more I enjoy, but my criteria for picking the ones to which I link is that they are reasonably regularly updated and that the writing speaks to me, personally.

One thing I have noticed in my searching, though, is that there seems to be a relative shortage of blogs written by dominants... male dominants in particular. I continue to wonder why that is. Are Doms more focused on acting rather than writing? Surely it doesn't mean that Doms are less capable of contemplative reflection upon the important things in their lives. Surely it doesn't imply that they're ill-equipped to communicate. Maybe they're collectively just too busy. I know it's difficult still for me to make the time to write here, even though when I do it's an enjoyable and beneficial experience.

I have no illusions that what I write here is of any great importance to anyone other than me, and perhaps L. But there's kind of a good feeling in the knowledge that this modest effort is one small step on my part toward filling somewhat this apparent void.

new commenting redux

2004-07-29T08:35:00.000-05:00

Well, I thought I had HaloScan commenting in place. So far as I can tell it's functioning properly now. Evidently their auto-install for Blogger didn't work for me at all, but I've manually added the code to my template and now things appear to be as they should be.

Please let me know via email (address in anti-spam-bot form is in the left column, just below "recent articles") if you have problems commenting.

new commenting system

2004-07-29T00:42:00.000-05:00

Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this weblog, thanks to Red's suggestion. It was something I'd thought about, having seen it implemented on several blogs I try to read regularly. I suppose I simply forgot about something as simple as that during all the tinkering and tweaking I've been doing to the new template here.

coming to terms with some terms

2004-07-27T10:30:00.000-05:00

I've found a kindred soul... Neko, who writes Letters To An Angel.

A few days ago, he waxed eloquent about dominant and submissive stereotypes in a post titled, denial and labels.

In Neko's words:

"whenever I think of "A Dom", I get a picture in my head of someone wearing leather, carrying handcuffs, and swinging a whip or a paddle. Someone that doesn't relate to his partners, and has strict, arbitrary rules for them, which he enforces with glee. A man much more interested in taking pleasure from his partner, than in the giving of pleasure. And I don't think that's anything like me at all."

My first exposure to the BDSM-slash-D/s lifestyle was some few years ago in the online world. Many of the so-called dominants I met there presented as the type he describes, or at least tried to portray themselves as such. I developed early-on an abhorence of this type of "Dom". Especially those guys who appointed to themselves the title "Sir," "Lord," or "Master," raised my hackles.

Neko admits:

"It's funny, because most of the dominant men that I've met in this lifestyle aren't like that. But that's the image that persists in my head whenever the word Dom arises in conversation."

I agree with his perception. The dominants (male and female) I've come to know since entering the "real-life" lifestyle have been unlike that stereotype. And I think of myself as far from this. He goes on to describe his image of himself, not as "a Dom," but as: "a kinky, average looking man, who likes to tease and control willing women."

Neko goes on to say what he doesn't think of his angel as "a sub.:

"You're my girl, my kinky, submissive girlfriend, my partner, and my equal. Yes, I know, many others who read this may be surprised that I think this way, but you are my equal in this relationship. [....] I want an equal partner. It makes your submission sweeter if I respect you"

While I think he's entirely entitled to his own definitions, and I'm reasonably certain that he would not try to bind them on others, I am inclined to think that the emotional connotations which "Dom" and "sub" carry for him unduly restrict fair useage of the words.I've often said it's both blessing and curse that there's no universally accepted BDSM lexicon. It's a blessing in that there's no "canon" requiring a one-way-only homogeneity in the lifestyle. The opportunity for a wide range of free expression is an asset to us. But it places an onus on each individual to operationally define for himself (for themselves, in a realtionship) a whole set of terminology. And it's quite true that the connotations of words like Dom, sub, Master and slave frequently connect to emotional baggage we may have been carrying for a very long time.

In my mind, none of these terms are negative ones. Certainly there are individuals who use these terms to describe themselves who I believe engage in negative behavior, harbor negative attitudes, etc.. But I think of this more as a misappropriation of the words on their part than something which tarnishes the terms themselves.

I am a dominant man. Granted, for much of my adult life I lacked full awareness of that fact. The degree to which I suppressed my true nature doubtless has much to do with bad relationship choices I made over the years, and with the frustration and unhappiness I endured within those relationships. In the last seven years or so I have come to understand who and what I am, and I've realized that I've had enough vanilla relationships to last me a lifetime already.

During most of this period of new awareness I've thought of myself as "a domininat," rather than as "a Dom." Many will think I'm putting too fine a point on it, but here's my lexicography. As I think of things, a dominant is a male or female who has a strong desire and an enduring need to exercise control over another individual. Now I'll immediately qualify that by saying that I see this as a negative thing ONLY if that control is not consensually surrendered. Within the fairly broad area encompassed by this definition are Doms/Dommes, Tops, and Masters/Mistresses.

In my own little world, this how I think of those labels. A Top is someone who is principally interested in exercising control within S&M-type play. To pervert Shakespeare, "the play's the thing." A Dom/Domme, on the other hand, is someone who finds greatest fulfillment in exercising control within an on-going relationship with another, which may or may not (but most often does) include S&M-type play. A Master/Mistress is someone who needs that kind of relationship too, but also needs its nature to at least approach a total power exchange. These definitions may seem shallow or skewed to others, but they work for me.

The relationship I'm in now with L is without a doubt the happiest one of my life, but my role in that relationship initially was as a Top. When I met her she was already in a long-distance relationship with a man she regarded as her Dom. At first we approached each other with hopes of becoming friends and casual play partners. Very soon, though, the sparks between us lit the fire of love. Fortunately for everyone, all three of us were amenable to a poly relationship. As that relationship developed and grew I was surely happy, but I was very aware that an additional dimension which I needed was absent.

M (her Dom) and I began to communicate more, and I hoped to be able to wait for a natural progression of things, but I reached a point not long ago where the frustration of being in a relationship with L but not being able to be a Dom in that relationship was creating so much inner turmoil for me that it was affecting my happiness, which had spill-over effects on her. Eventually I was compelled to raise the issue openly so that we could all address it. There was some initial resistance, and lots of questions... for some of which I had answers, for some I didn't. Ultimately, though, we all agreed to try.

The sense of relief I felt at finally having the freedom to truly be myself defies being put into words. But one of the things I realized immediately was that our decision did not automatically make me her Dom. It did, though, remove the hobbles of being resticted to being no more than lover and Top. I can now become her Dom ...not instead of M, but in addition to him. And, yes, there's obviously the potential for conflict ahead in such a complex relationship. Communication will be our best defense against that.

L is still very much just beginning to understand and embrace her submissive nature, but she feels ready for me to become her Dom. The transition is going to be an on-going process as we each gradually become. At the munch/play-party of our local group, L wore a collar that I had bought for her. On that occasion it was basically "fetish-wear" for her. When I placed that around her neck for the get-together we attended last weekend, we both knew that it now had more meaning. It was the same leather and metal, but it was less a fashion accessory and more a symbol of the bond between us.

L is becoming my submissive, but she is already very much my best friend and the love of my life. I respect her and admire her. And as Neko said of his angel, I definitely view her as my equal partner. I revel in every opportunity I have to express my dominance in her life. I savor every time that she gives to me the gift of her submission (in any of a variety of manifestations). She is no less submissive and I am no less dominant because of this feeling of equality. As I see it, we are full partners in the project of learning each other's needs and how best to fulfill them...a project I hope will never end.

responsibility 1.1

2004-07-23T12:30:00.000-05:00

As L and I cross the threshold into a new phase of our relationship -- relating to each other as dominant and submissive, rather than as lovers who happen to be a top and a bottom -- I've been thinking a good deal about responsbilities. Specifically, the responsbilities of which I must remain ever cognizant as her Dominant.

My initial thought for this entry was to make a try at enumerating what I saw as a Dom's duties to a submissive in general. Certain things immediately came to mind: to be consistent, to be stable, to exercise self-control, to be emotionally mature, to be nuturing, to be trustworthy, etc. I smiled as I realized such a mere list of attributes would somewhat resemble the "Boy Souts Law" that I learned in my youth (a scout is trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean and reverent). No, just a listing would not do. And to attempt a discussion of even a few of these would be beyond the scope of a single blog article.

I decided instead to focus on one thing for now. I'm not even sure what to call this one thing, so I'll circumlocute and hope that I can convey my meaning. And obviously, what I'll say here is nothing more than my humble opinion at this point in my life, and is probably worth exactly what you're paying for it.

A dominant must be willing and able to cope with resistance from a submissive. Even the most profoundly submissive partner will be resistant in some fashion at some times. For one who is only beginning to discover and embrace her submissive nature, resistance is likely to be a fairly common thing, and it's seldom as simple as her not wanting to do some particular thing.

She's venturing into uncharted, often frightening territory. She's feeling vulnerable in a way possibly never experienced before. She may easily find herself questioning the wisdom of surrendering this level of control to someone who may seem, suddenly at times, like a stranger. She may feel guilty because she senses she's "back-sliding." Some word or act of her dominant may inadvertently touch painful suppressed memories from another time and launch an emotional reaction entirely unrelated and out of proportion to what's actually happening in realtime.

Resistance is not something that can be overcome by sheer force of will, on the part of either party. For the submissive it requires a commitment to the relationship itself, faith that the ultimate rewards of this struggle will outweigh the hard times, trust that her dominant will only always ever do what he truly believes is best for her, and confidence in his level of knowledge and empathy.

For the dominant it requires an inexhausible supply of patience, an acceptance of the fact that these things are going to happen, and an unflagging willingness to help her work through them. This is where the qualities of self-control and emotional maturity are invaluable. A dominant cannot afford the luxury of becoming frustrated and/or angry with a resistant submissive to the point where he withdraws (physically or emotionally) or lashes back. He must remain in control of himself particularly during these times, and must remain focussed on her needs rather than reacting reflexively. A true dominant is capable of accepting a double measure of responsibility in exchange for every bit of control he desires to exercise within his submissive's life.

Making a D/s relationship work IS work, for both parties, but the rewards for both can be SO worth the effort.

refocusing

2004-07-19T20:19:00.000-05:00

I began this weblog initially to have a place where I could share interesting odds and ends I found elsewhere on the net (particularly in other blogs) dealing with things central to my personal life... especially things relating to BDSM, D/s relationships, polyamory, and occasionally good ol’ fashioned kinky sex. Before long, though, I was posting more about what was going on in my own life. About that time, I discovered a new-ish weblog host, Indecent Blogging, which was much smaller and seemed more "kink-friendly" than the vast Blogger/Blogspot world. I created a weblog of my own there, in which I’ve been writing regularly. It’s been fun for the most part. The little community there has been very friendly and accepting.

The longer I write there, though, and especially the more other weblogs I read there, the more I’m seeing the place as primarily a home for mostly fairly vanilla "sex blogs," and that’s not what I’m trying to do. I’ve made enough friends there, that I expect I’ll continue to be involved there. If for no other reason than to hopefully provide a reasonably decent example to those wonderfully sex-obsessed folk there of someone who’s involved in the BDSM lifestyle who’s not so terribly different from them in many ways.

I’ve decided to return to this place, to brush away the accumulated dust and do a little other "housekeeping" (maybe a new template soon). My intention is to use this venue for doing what will hopefully be a little more serious writing about D/s relationships in general and particularly about the one I’m in. As time permits I discover more and more truly excellent journals being written by other dominants, by submissives and by couples. If there was a way I could earn a living doing nothing but reading these. I know that regularly I’m going to be finding things that I will feel compelled to share.

So this blog will still be a bit of a hodgepodge: a bit of thinking out-loud, a bit of relating personal experiences, a bit of sharing things I read elsewhere that are just too good not to share. I have no idea if anyone will read here or not. I kind of hope so, but this is something I’m undertaking very much for me.

little lessons

2004-06-23T20:43:00.000-05:00

There's a overworked cliche: "out of the mouths of babes," ususally followed by "comes wisdom," or some such hackneyed phrase. I think it's paraphrased from scripture somewhere. But the gist is that one can sometimes learn from unexpected sources.

I have a new variation: "from the bottoms of bottoms".

I constantly learn things from L. Not that I regard myself as some kind of near-omniscient Dom. Learning has been a lifelong joy for me, and I hope it always will be. As John Archibald Wheeler said, "We live on an island surrounded by a sea of ignorance. As our island of knowledge grows, so does the shore of our ignorance."

And it shouldn't surprise me that I can learn from her. The girl's intelligence is one of the first things that caught my attention, followed shortly thereafter by the realization that she has the most beautiful eyes on the planet.

I love to play. In years past, part of the enjoyment has been dragging out the BIG toybag. I enjoy a lot of variety in play, which often means I'll employ a half-dozen different floggers plus others tools and toys.

Lately, though, she's helped me learn the pure joy of more "minimalist" play... a simple barehanded spanking, or using just a cane.

No big production. No ten minute unpacking, no twenty minute repacking of the bag. No need to schedule days in advance the hour or two (or more) that I'd ideally like to spend.

Just a golden "moment," doing something I relish doing to her yeilding flesh. For her: my attention, my pain and my love. For me: an opportunity to express who and what I am, a chance to savor her submission, time to strengthen our bond.

The lesson? Simple pleasures may not necessarily always be the best, but they can be VERY damn good!

love/sick

2004-06-22T08:38:00.000-05:00

I'm at home. Sick, basically. I'm sitting at the computer because there's no exertion in this, and because when I lay down I start coughing. The two cups of coffee I had earlier this morning because I thought they'd feel good to my throat are probably not helping me get the rest I feel I need. But it did feel good going down, and it helped warm me when I returned home soaked and chilled from taking my son to work.

I should be in bed, and I'll try that again shortly. First, though, I need to post something here that I stumbled upon quite accidentally, and in what might seem an unlikely place: kate.nerdsluts.com. (Take a look at the site, it won't be what you might expect from the name.)

This is for L, my bottom and my swan:

I love you,
Not only for what you are,
But for what I am
When I am with you.

I love you,
Not only for what
You have made of yourself,
But for what
You are making of me.
I love you
For the part of me
That you bring out;
I love you
For putting your hand
Into my heaped-up heart
And passing over
All the foolish, weak things
That you can't help
Dimly seeing there,
And for drawing out
Into the light
All the beautiful belongings
That no one else had looked
Quite far enough to find.

I love you because you
Are helping me to make
Of the lumber of my life
Not a tavern
But a temple;
Out of the works
Of my every day
Not a reproach
But a song.

I love you
Because you have done
More than any creed
Could have done
To make me good
And more than any fate
Could have done
To make me happy.
You have done it
Without a touch,
Without a word,
Without a sign.
You have done it
By being yourself.
Perhaps that is what
Being a friend means,
After all.

"Love" by Roy Croft (1937)

food for thought, words to live by, etc.

2004-06-21T11:26:00.000-05:00

I sort of collect quotations, words of famous and less-than-famous people that strike me as particularly memorable. Some months ago I finally set up a small database to make finding one I might be booking for a little easier. For some reason I've never made my own collection of quotations related to the BDSM lifestyle, though. When there's a line I can't quite remember, I usually turn to Google. A couple of nice sites are here and here.

A few days ago I found a nice set as a journal entry on Seatle Pro-Domme Mistress Matisse's weblog.

Among them was one that I did not remember ever seeing before, but that I particularly enjoyed:

"There are really two kinds of submissives in the world: those who believe they don't deserve any better…and those who believe they don't deserve any less."

enough to warm your... heart

2004-06-20T23:17:00.000-05:00

Here are a couple of goodies I encountered elsewhere. I enjoyed reading them enough that I decided to create this blog in order to have a convenient means of sharing such things. Both are via Spanking Blog

By Bad Bad Baby:

= = = = =
Monday night at bedtime MrMan informs me that he's gonna fuck me like i haven't ever been fucked before. i wasn't really feelin it...i wasn't feelin so great. i smartmouthed him and told him basically that i wasn't gonna let him have it. big mistake.

he had me on my tummy faster than you can say 'no, please' proceeded to smack me twice with our new paddle. HARD! i felt tears sting my eyes and i looked at him to see just how serious he was. he wasn't playing around. i felt myself slipping under and letting go. i relaxed my body because i knew i was going to be punished. he smacked me at least 10 times on each ass cheek until i was just barely breathing. then he made me turn on my back and he smacked me hard on the insides of my thighs. this was a new one for me and it hurt a lot more than i thought it would, but it made me so damn horny! i had this thought in the back of my mind that i wanted him to spank my pussy but i couldn't really say anything at the time. maybe next time.

he made me turn back onto my stomach and he wouldn't let me watch what he was doing. he grabbed my panties and ripped them down my body. he told me how i had huge welts on my ass and how he couldn't wait to fuck me. i waited for another spanking on my ass and i could feel my body tensing up in anticipation. when the paddle came down on the back of my thigh and then quickly to the other thigh i was sure i would cry...but he quickly made me forget that by paddling me hard and fast across the most tender spots on my ass that he had set afire just minutes before.

i could feel him becoming more and more aggressive and i could hear his deep ragged breaths. i started to get nervous, this is the first time i've ever felt as if he might lose control. when he grabbed me by my ankles to pull me onto his cock i fought him and grabbed across the bed to pull myself away. he immediately let go of my ankles and slammed two fingers into me so roughly that it took my breath away and caused my whole body to go limp. he fucked me with his fingers and rubbed his thumb across my clit until all my resistance was washed away and then he flipped me over and slipped into me before i even knew what hit me.

he fucked me so hard and had my knees jammed into my chest so far that i could barely breathe. his aggression was so intense...and so animalistic that i barely knew who he was. the sound he made when he came was one i had never heard before.

when he was finished he pushed me away from him and left me on my own, punished for saying no in the first place. no orgasm for baby. it was all so hot and erotic...but i wasn't allowed to cum. this was another first.

as i lay there catching my breath and falling asleep i felt all used up...just like the little cockwhore i am.
= = = = =

(full post here)

+ + + + + + + + + +

And this one, by Vikki. As a dominant, reading this made my hands itch to hold the handle of a flogger, long for the sound of leather on bare flesh. I can only imagine what it will stir within a submissive. Visit Vikki's site. It's not all personal, soul-baring writing such as this, but it's well worth a look.

= = = = =
It's dark and stormy outside right now. God, I love thunderstorms. They make me feel wild and sexy and unrestrained. It makes me want dark and dangerous things. All that power. It makes me shiver.

I miss many things about my time spent playing with BDSM, but one of the losses I've felt most keenly, particularly of late, is the feeling of being mastered. Mastered by someone who knows more than I, more in control than I, someone to whom I can give up control and allow them to lead me places that I can only imagine.

I miss the sting of the flogger; while I am far from a pain slut, there was something soothing, challenging, and incredibly fuckably sexy about presenting my ass for a good flogging. Particularly when tied standing up, facing a wall. Soothing, because it was good and solid contact, making me deliciously aware of my body. Challenging, to take the pain and turn it into pleasure, to fight the instincts of my body to curl up on itself and instead work through the pain - like how a good workout feels. And incredibly fuckably sexy, because in spite of what efforts I put forth, I'm deliciously aware that I am naked and they are not, they are watching my body's reactions to every stroke, and whether I want them to or not, they're likely aware of just how wet my pussy is getting.

Of course, it's sexier and hotter still when they pause to slide their fingers into my pussy, just to make sure. Making small comments about how wet I am. The shame and the pain and the contact brings high colour to my cheeks and makes me whimper. Body on fire.

I miss the feel of good, solid restraints around my wrists. The challenge of holding my body properly when restrained. The excitement of wanting to move, to gesture, to touch them, and not being able to until they allow it.

I miss being on my knees, finally allowed to lick them and slide them in my mouth, particularly when my hands are bound behind me. The challenge of doing so with my balance just slightly off-kilter. And the incredible sexy pleasure when I sense that I am pleasing them. A hand on the back of my head, helping to guide, and also stroking to tell me that I am being a very good bad little girl.

But most of all I miss trusting someone enough to do all of those things. Trusting them to be wiser, more controlled, trusting their imagination and understanding of my body to guide us through a scene of their devising. Trusting that they will challenge me when I need it, soothe me when I need it, and be present for me if my submission is particularly difficult or emotionally trying. Trusting them to know my limits, and help me play the edges of those limits, expanding my abilities and bringing me greater faith in myself and that of my master.
= = = = =

(full post here)